“Dear God, teach me to love myself beyond the distorted perceptions and false beliefs I have created about myself.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant
The last few weeks have been full of pain, re-living hurt feelings from my past and dealing with pain that isn’t even mine. I have made terrible decisions in my life. Things that can’t be undone, but they are lessons none the less. Through pain there is growth if you allow it.
I have spent 37 years of my life living and feeding the dark shadows inside me. They are shadows of lies I have self imposed and things so called friends and family have said about me at one time or another in my life that I accepted into my heart as TRUTH. By not dealing with these issues of the years I have let things fester in one form or another,be it over eating, not eating,or depression. None of it has been healthy for me. I am at a place in my life where I MUST face my demons and step away from the shadow into the light.
I am at a point in my life where I want to heal and grow and walk in my magnificent light, but I am afraid. What terrifies me is this life of pain, self doubt and feeling like I don’t matter to myself or anyone else.This is the only life I know, if I let go of this old life and way of thinking what will I do?What do I do without it?
Who am I, really? What if the new me doesn’t like me? What kind of people will I attract into my life and will my kids, family and friends accept me? What if I fail? People will laugh and talk about me, again.
I sat down one day and wrote a list of the lies I have told myself and the hurtful things people have said about me over the years. The list came to a total of twenty-five. I sat with this list for a little bit and put it away. One day, on my way home from a movie I had a breakdown/break through. I cried all the way home.I cried and screamed cried and cried and cried some more. I cried and screamed to the point I made myself sick. As I sat there on my knees with my face in the toilet I cried some more between the purging sessions. When I finally got up, my stomach felt light and it was pulsating. For those of you who do or don’t know anything about chakra’s the stomach area is your third chakra that deals with self esteem, personal power and will. Exactly what I have been working on healing! which explains my stomach feeling light and pulsating.
As I got up from the floor I looked in the bathroom mirror at my red face,swollen eyes and thought to myself…I’m beautiful. Despite what I look like right now I am beautiful. I went back to my bedroom and laid across the bed and was exhausted, but yet I cried some more. You know what I wanted to do so bad? Run to my daddy’s arms and cry in his arms. Never felt like that before. I didn’t go to him I just stayed in bed and eventually fell asleep.
There is nothing like dealing with all this hurt and pain and feeling so alone with no one to talk to. Although, I am blessed to have two ladies that have been guiding me through this.
Going back to this Lie List I wrote. After all the purging I just did, I decided I had to let go of the lies or I will never heal and move on. So, I set fire to the list! Yep! Burn baby burn! They no longer own a place in my heart or mind. I watched them burn and I released ALL the hurt and pain. I have now replaced that list with a 30 day Appreciation list. For 30 days I will write down what I appreciate about myself. I am replacing the self hatred, doubt, feeling worthless, like I don’t matter to anyone and undeserving of life’s blessings with ALL THE GOOD there is within me! I have written eight little affirmations and taped them to my mirror:
1) I am beautiful. (5) I am worthy.
2)I am love. (6) I matter.
3)I am God. (7) I deserve to be happy.
4) I am whole. (8) I am worthy of love.
They are there so that I remind myself EVERYDAY how beautiful I am inside and out. This is what healing is about. It isn’t easy and God knows it is painful but I will rather hurt now and heal than spend the rest of my life and future lives in pure misery.