May 30th will mark 6 months since you have been gone. I am… well you know.
I started to paint the house and was all excited about it, but then it hit me. The change. For over 20 year my brothers and I and your grandchildren,all we have known are mint green walls(green was your favorite color because you said God loved green). Kira made a statement that pierced my heart. She said,
” Painting the walls is making this really real. Green walls are all I have ever known. She’s really gone.” We both shed tears. She went on to get ready for prom and I went back to painting. By Monday I was damn near paralyzed with grief. I literally had to pep talk myself out of bed,
” Come on Shuntella you gotta get up. You have bills to pay. You can’t afford to lose your job. Get up. Come on. You can do this. Just make it through the day and you can come home and go back to bed.” I keep trying to shine a positive light on this change and get in HGTV mode, but if I speak my truth. MY REAL TRUTH! I ain’t ok mom. I smile, laugh and joke in public and die at home. Don’t let ’em see you cry. Be strong. The Moore way.
Whoever knew such a task could be debilitating. As June 26th- your 78th birthday approaches I wonder what will happen? Now, I try to stay busy to occupy my mind and stay in a positive space. But it’s really hard when you really want to climb in bed and be alone, but you really really really really really don’t want to be alone. Good news is momma, I haven’t backtracked to people who weren’t good for me just so I won’t be alone. Not even for a night!!! This to shall pass I tell myself. It will hurt worse going backward in the long run than it does now. I have mastered calling on you and my enlightened Ancestors for support. Some nights I pull through like a CHAMP, others,not so much. Change is hard momma. Life without you is very different. The kids are growing up and doing their own thing and this is the FIRST time in my adult life I am alone. Like, I went from your house to my husband’s house, back to your house with a 1 year old and pregnant after we separated. Then,to my own house with two kids when we divorced, then back to take care of you with two teenagers. Now you’re gone. The kids stay gone and it’s just…me and King. Lol. See King came for a reason. The Universe knew I needed him! Gotta laugh. It’s the only way I stay sane. I don’t do well when my scales are tipped(it’s a Libra thing). I like my life to be as balanced as possible. And it’s been turned upside down. The shift that is happening is honesty liberating and almost debilitating if I allow myself to journey down that dark path.
I promised you I would keep an eye on your boys. They are ok. I ain’t killed one yet! Lol. Vincent carries around your obituary in his pocket. He is still in the same clothes from your funeral. Not sure why he won’t change them even though he washes them and has other clothes. He still keeps saying”he thought he would go before you”. I told him God knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it so he took you first. He said he thinks about you everyday. Terral is good too. He hit some rough patches as well but he’s ok. They are both ok. We are going to be ok. I am going to be ok. Just takes time and me writing while I cry. I know most feel like I share too much but it’s my outlet. What else am I going to do? People get uncomfortable when I start to talk about you. Like, mom you can feel the energy shift so quickly. And it’s not that I am even speaking about you in a sad manner, just me sharing a story or memory and people tense up real quick and get quiet or give that half awkward smile. My favorite is that quick change of subject. So, I try not to talk too much about you. Which makes me bottle everything up inside until moments like this where I cry and write. Write and cry. This is how I am choosing to grieve all while trying not to eat and drink myself do death!
I love you momma. Talk to you later.
My nephew Quinton and brother Vincent
20 years. Change. Mint Green to Tan